Parents to the left of you, children to the right, and you’re stuck in the middle with your own responsibilities? Welcome to the sandwich generation. While Stealers Wheel sung about the record industry, the experience of the unpaid carer industry might be a little closer to home for many of us. Healthier Together deep dives into what being part of the ‘Sandwich Generation’ means and how we can work together to support the people we support, and those who will support us in years to come.
What is the sandwich generation?
A term coined in the 80s, the phenomenon speaks to the group of middle-aged people who may be caring for aging parents and their own children, and even grandchildren, often while still carrying out their own home or career responsibilities.
It’s no surprise that the term was coined in the 1980s, a time when more women were beginning to enter, and stay in the workforce and life expectancy was quickly increasing. For the first time in living history, there were multiple living adult generations, often living under different roofs. In many families, the role of carer defaulted to the same women in the workplace while caring for children, resulting in even more caring responsibilities.
Today, the sandwich generation can stretch from adults in their early 30s through to beyond retirement. There can even be multiple generations working, parenting and caring, sandwiched between young children, and the aging great-grandparent.
Healthier Together spoke with Master Mental Health First Aid instructor, wellbeing advocate, and member of the sandwich generation Ruth Oakden from Your Mental Health at Work about the practicalities of caring, careers, and difficult conversations.
The gendered impacts of living in the in-between
Demographer Bernard Salt explains that the "People most likely to be caring for someone in an unpaid capacity [are] 57. Over the next six or seven years as baby boomers push beyond 80 … it's going to accelerate even further." Australian studies show that two-thirds of these people formally caring for multiple generations are women.
Ruth Oakden from Your Mental Health at Work explains “The group of people who are shouldering the burden of more unpaid domestic work around their own home, unpaid childcare and homework and taxi driving their children, this group of people are the same ones taking on the support of the older members of the family. And it happens incidentally and incrementally”.
While many mothers and daughters are happy and willing to support with the caring of their family members, the impacts of being the default carer are broad, from mental health impacts to impacts on career and long-term financial outcomes.
Oakden explains “part of the challenge is everybody has the same amount of personal leave, but not everybody has the same number of demands on that personal leave. And so, using your personal leave caring for yourself, your children, and your parents leaves you at a disadvantage from both a self-care and potential financial perspective”.
“Women may have taken unpaid time to have babies, and so your long-term personal wealth is affected by being a member of the sandwich generation because you took time out, you didn't contribute to your superannuation, your career profile perhaps was different to a male gendered person and now this is being repeated. How do we share the care?”
Regardless of which family members end up shouldering the load of parent and carer, there are steps that you can take to plan for the future and help support the people who supported you earlier in life.
Planning for the future - how to start the conversation
“For many members of the sandwich generation, just as their children develop independence; personal endeavours or careers can be prioritised, the elderly parents begin to need support.”
It’s important to start having the pre-planning conversations early, as “family planning extends beyond having babies to extended generational care” Oakden explains.
“Beyond the conversation of wills and next of kin are the conversations around supporting independence through many stages of aging.”
Few of us want to consider changes to the life we’ve chosen, and asking for, or accepting help can be difficult. These are not always an easy conversation to start but being prepared can help.
“We can avoid bringing it up around the dinner table but instead make a time and plan for a calm entry-level conversation.
“Asking ‘Can I come around and we'll just talk about some future plans?’ and actually making it a specific time to sit down and start the conversation can help mitigate an urgent care-crisis.”
Oakden says homework for the conversation might look like:
- Find out what's reasonably available in your area in your community
- Consider an aged-care assessment.
Oakden explains “It doesn't mean someone needs it yet, it just means you've got it in your back pocket for when or if they do need it.” - Talk about what supports might be helpful
- Look at both temporary and ongoing support options
- Even if you can’t split the care, split the research. Local family members might support shopping, appointments and transport, but those living further away can take on the research or regular phone calls
Caring for the carers
While navigating the changing world of your parents’ capacity and your own family’s needs it may feel like you’re back in the unknowns of the hazy newborn days. With so many unknowns, constant changing circumstances and competition for your time it’s important to make sure you’re also caring for yourself. That might seem easier said than done but keeping the following in mind may help:
- Communication is key
Asking for help when you can (from siblings, for patience from children, supports from community groups) can help share the load.
- Set boundaries
You may be willing and wanting to help, but you also need personal time and space. This can apply to your children and parent.
- Seek legal and financial advice
Getting all necessary documents like wills and powers of attorney as well as understanding financial impacts can help remove barriers for supports later down the track.
- Reevaluate regularly
Even if you’ve had a rhythm working for you, as time passes your children’s and parent’s needs may change. Checking in can help you take a step back and make any adjustments.
- Be open to help
A time may come when you can no longer juggle everyone’s needs despite your efforts. Be open to looking into alternative care supports. You cannot be everything to everyone.
- It’s good to grieve
Whether it’s the loss of your own freedoms, those of your parents or the passing of family members, grief is a common feeling through this time in your life. “Take the time to grieve.” Oakden emphasises.
- Consider your own future
What do you want your own older age to look like? Thinking about and planning for your elderly years will empower yourself and your children or carers.
- Celebrate your achievements
It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle, and constant guilt as priorities conflict. Taking care of multiple generations is a huge task and you should give yourself credit for every small thing you do.
